Slushing around in nyc

I had to get away. I week in Youngstown is enough to drive anyone crazy. Escape, but to where? Puerto Rico? New York? They say there will be weather in NYC, but they always exaggerate. So it’s NYC. The night Chinese bus arrives 630 am and Iscore a couch at friend Nicks house.
There’s usually one tv show (only one) that I enjoy watching a a time. Now it’s the Daily Show. I go to there in hopes of scoring a ticket. You have to reserve months in advance but a research psychologist masters student from Pittsburgh has an extra one. score again. I think of John Lennon’s song, “I Dig a Pony”. “you can penetrate anywhere u are” poor John, killed just a few miles from here so long ago. I remember that night so long ago. We all went to the Boston Commons and sang Beatles songs all night.
After waiting around forever I get to see the show. The guest is some sexy actress don’t know who stars in the Lego Movie. Sarcastic Wow. Wednesday night is ….George Clooney….damn. I should have come tomorrow.
What u don’t realize is that the preliminaries to the show are much better than the actual show. The warm up comedian is great, wicked. Slashing his way through the audience, vicious and funny cut-downs. Then Jon comes out and answers questions. Funny but kind. Some 6′ 6 inch guy asks Jon how tall he is. Jon replies by asking him how tall HE is. 6′ 6″. In his New Jersey accent that we all love , “Who the fuck do you think you are?” the guy complains about comments like ” hows the weather up there etc. Jon launches into him with fake sympathy. “ahhh poor tall guy. Hey I’m talking bout getting stuffed into lockers, being dangled over toilets” but then he does an unexpected switch and answers the question. “I am tall enough that people wouldn’t stop on the street and wonder how it is i can function in daily life. I am tall enough to do most normal things like step into a car, get on the toilet seat without help.” the comedy is self-deprecating, kind and briliant. Later the actress comes out wearing 6 inch stiletto heels. She is short and sexy. Jon calls back to the tall guy in the audience who raises his hand. Gets a big laugh. Now i see why he talks to us. Another guy with a barely comprehensible accent asks, ” how much time do you spend preparing for interviews”? Jon cuts him off. Doesn’t comment on the accent. Let me just thank you for the supposition of the question, that i prepare for interviews. I appreciate that. I will leave it at that.”
The show is great too and it’s interesting to see how it all works. After the show Jon warns us to get home before the storm hits. Right Jon. Or you can stay here with us. We all cheer.
After the show I go to see an off Broadway show called “Disaster” and luckily it isn’t. Score. They take old seventies songs and fit them into a (an intentionally ridiculous) plot with great Broadway voices.unfortunately, I keep falling asleep after the intermission because of the bus ride. I consider subway music (if I can make it in the NYC subway, I can make it anywhere…or just any subway?) but I’m too tired. Go to bed at 11 p,. Some party animal.
Next morning I wake up at 6 am and can’t sleep. Venture out. Even the 24 hour McDonald’s is closed. . It’s sleeting. The sidewalks and streets are rivers of slush. You don’t cross intersections, you fjoord them. Im thinking….golashes…but who wears golashes anymore. The only place open is DD Dunkin Donuts. I thankfully go in the empty place. It just opened. I order a coffee.
“Hey I’m the first customer, so I get a free donut right?” The young counter worker smiles sweetly and nods. Even though I haven’t eaten a donut in 10 years, I thankfully take it and eat it. How nice. Wow, there’s even wifi. DD rules! I check my stuff, email, facebook..then go back to golashes…where can I find them….duh…I’m in NYC…I have internet, yelp. I search and find a place on e11th near Union Park. I’m on 7th and First Ave. do-able. I check sunrise time. 7:01″ I love Internet. Do-able. I make a plan…walk that way, find a restaurant near the store and camp out till 10. if they don’t have, only 10 more blocks, to another golashes store. I start to pack up. I I hear the 2 counter women speaking an unfamiliar language.
“It’s Bengali”.
Really? Never heard before.
Oh yes all the dunkins have Bengalis in new York.
Really. Hey you know that George Harrison song called Bangladesh
She knew
It’s one of my favorite songs
She really knows it. I start to sing it. She sings along. No one knows that great song.
We are so thankful to him for his help.
I get her to teach me how to say hello, how are you, and goodbye in Bengali.
“I can’t wait till I go to DD again. I’m going to get another free donut”. I think of johns song again. yeah I did penetrate, John. You are right. Its getting light now. I say goodbye in Bengali. Outside it’s sleeting harder. It takes a minute to find a path to cross an intersection. New Yorkers are all smiling, commiserating, who says they are unfriendly I step on a piece of snow and sink up to my ankles in slush. A good business idea, Intersection shuttle service, 50 cents, if I only had golashes or waders. I walk 7 blocks in 20 minutes. I’m soaked. Oh yeah, evaportation is a cooling process. My feet will be wet all day. Hmm….. Starbucks hand dryer on my socks and shoes.
I stop for egg sandwhich and coffee special… 2 dollars on first and 13th street. Hang out for an hour. 8 slush blocks to go. Surprisingly no Starbucks or DD near Union Square. I walk an extra 2 blocks to find place. On the way, I help a a couple old ladies cross the slush fields. A guy is shoveling slouch off the sewer drain, creating a river of drainage and a path for us to cross the street. I call him a hero. After 9/11 New Yorkers are all willing to step up to be heros. He grins ear to ear…is speechless. Thinks to himself probably, “wow, I’m a hero” I make it to a coffee shop, but not before getting sprayed by a bus. Its my 3rd cup today and its only 9 am. At 10 I go over to DSW but that is only upscale shoes. They scoff at the idea of golashes. I go to a Walgrwens and buy 4 pakages of natural nuts for 3.96.
“Give me 2 plastic bags please
Outside I stop and wrap one plastic bag around my foot and tie it into a fatal knot. Then the other. If cant get golashes I will protect my shoes anyway I can. As soon as I walk outside the building I hear someone say, ” say that’s an idea. Yeah a stupid idea. Many people are looking at my plastic wrapped shoes. Trying to gauge how crazy I am; is he potentially dangerous? But some 12 year old with her mother from out of town says with interest and no sign of irony , ” what kind of tennis shoes are those.I actually give them directions,n” a first for me. Yes! By the time I get to 23ed, the plastic is falling apart. Perfect. I go into a fancy womans clothes store. Do u have any golashes. No but the repair shop 4 doors down does. I go over there. It turns out he is a Bukharian Jew. His music sounds bizarre , like Tibetan or something. He’s dancing around, singing like he’s drunk, but he isn’t. That’s just the way he is. He tells me there are 50,000 Bukharian Jews in Queens.
Yes I have golashes, my Jewish friend. I’ll give you a good deal.
How do you know I’m Jewish?
I can smell Jews. We’re all Jews here,
I tell him that the fancy shoe store guy told me to come here.
Yeah. he’s Iranian Jew.
He gives me some xx large golashes. Finally. At last. I struggle to get them on, hitting myself in the face in the process. He rings them up $27.41 (no discount)
As I’m getting ready to go, an attractive older woman comes in. He speaks to her in Yiddish, asks for a hug and gets one. “she’s Russian Jew”
“oh really. My grandfather was a Russian Jew. Can I have a hug too?” She’s not going for it. I shrug and head out. Toda Robah the crazy Bukharian Jew yells out. I’m finally ready to start my day.
I’ve been in NYC all of 30 hours. I miss Youngstown.


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